I'll Keep Singing This Lie;

Random Pointless Thoughts That I Would Be Ashamed To Say Out Loud:


If you were a whore, you'd probably feel better about yourself. At least then, you'd know that you could get someone to be with you.
:/


Penises disgust me. But then again, so do vaginas.
:/


I always like ugly people. It makes me wonder what that says about me. Do I only like ugly people because ugly people are the only kind that I can get? Or maybe it's just that I like ugly people because that the only kind that I think that I can get. I really think it's the first one, but I'm going to fool myself into thinking that I can really do better if I want to.
:/


Cleaning makes me want to wash my hands fifty times. They never feel clean after you do a massive clean-up job on your house.
:/


I feel really stupid for typing all of this stuff up. It's like I'm talking to myself or something.
:/


I need new friends. Ya know, strike that. I need friends period. Like, good ones. I think I need to make a form to fill out for everyone that I consider having a good friendship with. It would make things a lot easier in the end.
:/


A boyfriend application would be a good idea too. The only thing wrong with that is I don't think anyone would fill that out.
:/


akjsfkjaflkajsfljsf.

To Be Continued...

Unwanted.

I don't understand how someone can try so God damn hard to make other people happy, and still never get a damn thing in return.
It just doesn't make sense to me. Someone will do everything imaginable to try to make people feel happy when they're upset, or just to put a smile on someone's face because they care about them, and yet, no one can do the same for them.
When they're upset or down, no one knows what to do. No one wants to even try to help make them feel better. No one bothers to do a damn thing.

Ya know, I used to think that the whole, "Sometimes, just a simple smile from a stranger can make a person's day," was just someone talking out of their ass, but it's true. It doesn't even have to be a stranger's smile... Just a simple smile from someone, a true smile, could make my day...

Is it just me, or does no one ever have a smile on their face when I'm around anymore?


I hate feeling unwanted.

Just please tell me why;

Why is it so hard for someone to just admit that they're hurt?
Why does is always come out as anger?
Why is it so much easier to try to hurt others when you're feeling pain too?
Why do we say things that we don't mean?
Why do we love those that can never love us back?
Why is it so easy believe that someone can change?
Why are people blinded so much by their emotions?
Why does thinking of all of this make my head hurt?
Why does thinking of all of this make me think of you?
Why do I still continue to let myself hurt because of you?
Why do I still have those moments where I can't help but miss you?
Why do I still cry?
Why can't I bring myself to say that I hate you?
Why does this still hurt me?
Why do you do the things that you do?
Why can't I believe your?
Why can't you prove that you're sorry?
Why do I hurt so badly, while you sit there in smug happiness?
Why does she get everything that I always wanted?
Why does she get the fairy tale ending when I'm the one who worked so hard; who earned it?
Why is this happening?
Why did we fall apart?
Why didn't you keep your promises?
Why does everything remind me of you?
Why am I still here?
Why is life so unfair?
Why?

Can you please just tell me why?

I'm done with it;

This is the end.
It's the end of everything we had, everything I ever felt for you.
So go on and take your stupid whores, have them all you want.
Press your lips a little harder onto theirs and let all of the diseases swarm into your mouth.
I hope they kill you.

I can honestly say that I don't give a FUCK anymore.
You're stupid, pathetic, and worthless.
You're an ugly, lying, piece of shit.
And no matter how much I denied it in the past, the truth has come to the surface;
You're JUST like your father.

I hope you do jump off of that bridge like you were talking about.
Because ya know what, I won't shed a fucking tear.
You're not WORTH it.
You're not WORTH anything more than the dirt that you'll end up in.

You disgust me.
I can't believe that I ever thought so much of you.
I take back every word that I ever said to make you feel special.
I take back anything I ever did to make you feel loved.

I take it all back.
So please, just do everyone a favor, and go kill yourself like you've been wanting to for so long.
Oh, wait. You're too much of a fucking COWARD!
Grow some balls and just off yourself, will ya?
Take your bitch with you.
Neither of you will be missed.

Note To The Dreamers;

To those of you who say that love doesn't hurt, you're wrong.

Love's not supposed to hurt, but when someone that you love makes it krystal crystal clear that they don't care about you anymore, it HURTS.

Love doesn't just stop... If you love someone, it's going to hurt for a looong time.

You're going to want with all of your heart to stop caring, but if it's love, no matter how badly you want or how hard you try, you won't stop caring.

You can pretend, but it's always going to be there tearing you apart from the inside out.

And once it eats away at your heart enough, you're going to beg God to stop the tears and just stop the pain.

But it doesn't stop.

It never stops.

Make me believe;

Whisper me sweet nothings.
Make me believe
That you're something different;
That you can set me free.
Free from all the pain I've felt;
From all the things I've seen.
Set me free from what's inside.
Set me free from what is me.

Take me to places
That are only in my dreams.
Take me away from here,
From this reality.
Show me all the places
Where I should really be.
Convince me that where I am
Is not good enough for me.

Tell me that I'm worth it;
That I'm worth this life I live.
Tell me you're here for me
Because no one ever did.
No one ever proved themselves
The way I want you to.
I needed more than what they gave
So now it's up to you.

Make me want to stay.
Give me a reason.
Tell me something's worth it;
That there's something to believe in.
Be here for me
Just prove your not the same
Because I don't think that I can take
Another heartbreak game.

Just As Great As You;

I wish I could be beautiful.
I wish I could be wonderful.
I wish I could be just as great as you.

I wish I could make him smile.
I wish I could make him laugh.
I wish I could be just as great as you.

I wish I could be intelligent.
I wish I could be witty.
I wish I could be just as great as you.

I wish I could be adventurous.
I wish I could be fun.
I wish I could be just as great as you.

I wish I could be wanted.
I wish I could be loved.
I wish I could be just as great as you.

I wish that he would want me.
I wish that he would care.
I wish that he would miss me.
I wish that he was here.

I wish that he would realize
That I tried so hard
To be just as great as you.

I'm Broken When I'm Lonesome.

I miss you, but I don't want to.
I love you, but I should hate you.
I think about you, but it kills me.
I cry over you, but not for you.
I wonder what I saw in you, but then I remember.
I pretend I don't care, but I know that I'm lying to myself.

I don't want to care about you anymore, ya know? I want to get over you, over this, over everything we ever had, more than I've ever wanted anything. I'm tired of hurting because of you. I'm tired of being told that it wouldn't hurt if I didn't really love you.

I wish that I didn't know that you never loved me. I wish that I didn't know that all those promises that I held on to so tightly were all really lies. I wish that it didn't have to be this way...

But then again, I do want it to be like this. I want to be glad that all of this is over. I want to smile and know that I'm strong enough to let go. I want to know that I deserve better than what you are; that I deserve more than what you could ever give.

But I miss the feeling of your arms wrapped around me. I miss how the sound of your voice would comfort me during the toughest times. I miss how comfortable I could be when I was around you. I miss how I could let the real me show, and still feel wanted.

I'm scared I'll never find that again. I'm scared that I'll never find someone who will make me feel the way that you did. I'm scared that I'm not good enough; that I don't deserve better. I'm scared that no one else will want me because you've damaged me so much in these past seventeen months. I'm scared that I'll never be able to trust again, and that I'll ruin any chance of having someone who will be willing love me unconditionally because of that.

What if you've ruined me? You stole my pride, my self-confidence, my innocence, my self-worth, my life. You tore me away from what little bit of myself I had found, and expected me to go on the way you wanted. You ripped pieces of my happiness away every chance you got. And I let you. I let you break me.

What if I can't put myself back together again?

I don't want to be broken anymore.
I don't want to be lost anymore.
I don't want to be weak anymore.

But I don't want to be alone, either.

Perfection is just a misconception.

For some odd reason, I've been really thinking about what I need in a relationship. I mean, the kind of person that I would have to be with to be happy.
It sounds really bad to me when I say something like that, but it's the truth.
I mean, don't we all need certain things in a person? From the most detailed things like blue eyes or a nice smile to something as vague as 'they have to make me laugh.'
Well, here's a letter to that perfect someone that I've yet to meet...



My darling,

I'm so glad that I've come to meet you. Your smile brightens my day more than the sunshine ever could. The way you make me laugh through the waterfall of tears that run down my cheeks oh-so-often mesmerizes me. I love the way that I feel when I'm in your arms; safe and warm, knowing that the world could never come between us. No, you would never let that happen. You care for me too much to ever let anything come between us.
You know, you're the one that made me realize that someone really cares for me; that not everyone I care for ends up leaving me. Never before has anyone been able to prove that to me, but I trust you. I trust you with my whole heart because I know that you understand what pain is, just as I do, and that you would never hurt me like the others have. I don't know how you do it sometimes; putting up with my every split-second mood swing, the tears that fall for absolutely no reason, and the way you manage to understand that when I yell it's because I'm hurt. I don't know how you understand me so well, but I thank God every day that you do.
I know we have our fights sometimes, and it means so much to me that you take the time to listen to me when I'm upset. It means even more to me that you don't just walk out because you can't take it. I know that I can be a bitch, and I'm sorry, but sometimes things just get so hard... you understand, don't you? Of course you do, you always do.
Your eyes take me to places that I've never been, ya know? When I look into them, twinkling like stars in the midnight sky, I fall away to a place straight from a fairy tale. And all the while, I know that you see right through every wall that I try to put up. You break them down just to get to me; to save me from myself.
I hope you know that the little things you do, holding my hand as we walk in the darkness, opening the car doors, picnics in the park with the autumn leaves surrounding us, they're worth more to me than any amount of money could ever be. (They're even worth more than diamonds!) [:D]
You care for me, I can see it in your every move. You don't need to prove that to me. You don't need to prove anything to me. I know that you're amazing. I know that you can be tough when you need to, you don't have to threaten and fight every guy that looks my way. I'm yours, only yours, so don't be jelous, okay?
Endless conversations about absolutely nothing make me feel more comfortable in your presance than I feel in anyone elses. I know that you won't laugh at my silly ideas or stupid questions. We can argue about pointless things that neither of us really know the answer to and still end up laughing about it all in the end. You always find a way to make everything make sense to me; even algebra! I love it.
You have no idea how much you mean to me, my love. I can't wait until I find you.

Until then, I'll be waiting for you here,

Jessica Autumn Caputo

Forgiving Doesn't Mean Forgetting.

for·give·ness
noun
1. act of forgiving; state of being forgiven.
2. disposition or willingness to forgive.

I'm starting to realize that in order to get through the rest of this year, the rest of my life for that matter, I have to let myself forgive.
There are so many people that I don't believe deserve to be forgiven; so many people that I believe have hurt me past the point of forgiveness.

But, nonetheless, I'm not going to get anywhere unless I do this.

And, in the end, I know that if I can do this I can do absolutely anything.
If I can bring myself to let go of the hurt and bring myself to trust that everything really does happen for a reason, I can finally move on and be happy.
There are so many things, people, lies - that it's going to be hard for me to let go of.
And I'm scared that I won't be able to.

But it's just another thing that I have to do.

I have to face my fears and learn to accept the things that have happened and make the best of what I've been given.

I have to forgive him for leaving me when I was so young; when there wasn't anything that I could've possibly done to deserve that kind of abandonment from someone who was supposed to care.

I have to forgive her for leaving me to lead her own life when I had no one else.
I have to forgive him for hurting me. For lying, cheating, and letting me get too deep into something that he would destroy so easily and guiltlessly.
I have to forgive her for being with him when I couldn't be; for unknowingly taking away the one bit of happiness i had left.
I have to forgive myself for letting it go as far as it did, for believing in him; for lying to myself, for hurting everyone, for making a decision based on other people's beliefs, for letting myself down.

I have to let it all go.
Hopefully I can do this.

Because I'll be trying my damnest.

I'm Miserable Up Here Without You.

[written August 2, 2008 @ 5:47 am.]

My darling;


What I wouldn't give to see your bright innocent eyes looking up at me today.
I can only imagine what it would be like to place your tiny new hand in my own.

I wish I would've gotten the chance to hold you. To see you. To have you.

You deserved better.
You deserved everything.

You'll never know the hurt I feel for not being able to give you everything.

I would die to see the glow on your face that would accompany that first smile.

I would kill to have you back; to feel that connection only you and I could've shared.
I'd do anything.

I hope you know that I think of you every day.

I cry for you often.

I dream of you constantly.

I wish you knew how much I truly wanted you to stay.

I wish you would've gotten the chance to see the sunshine dance along the ground.

I wish you could've felt raindrops falling onto your rosy cheeks.

I wish you had gotten the chance to smell a lovely summer rose; one that could never compare to your beauty.

Forgive me for what I've done.
I never meant to hurt you.

I only wanted what was best for the both of us.

I'm sorry for letting you go so easily.
I'll never forgive myself.

I knew you better than you thought, you see.
I've seen those hazel eyes and that thick auburn hair of yours.

I knew you loved to smile; that smile that would've made all of the boys go wild.
You were as perfect as anyone could be.

I hope that you know that I'd take it all back if I could.

If I could just do it all over, you would be here with me right now...but that's something I can't do, no matter how badly I want to.
So, I'm stuck wishing you were here and kicking myself for letting this happen.

I'm so sorry that I let you down.

Love always & forever,

Your mother.

Goodbye To You.

You will never know what I went through.
You will never understand it.
You WILL NEVER hurt as much as I hurt.

You didn't have to do what I did.
You didn't have to make that final choice.
You didn't have to sit and say that you wanted that to happen.

After everything.
After all we had.
This is what we have become.
Everything we said we'd never be.
I guess I should've expected as much.

Forget The Things We Swore We Meant.

After everything we've been through, you still manage to ignore the hurt in my voice when you let me down.
It's as if you could give a shit less about what you're doing to me.
And to think, I've always been there for you.
You were an angel to me; I held you so high.
Perfect, I would say.
But, all you ever did was prove me wrong.
Of course, I ignored it.
I did my best to defend; to believe in you.
In the end, you just let me down.
You hurt me more than anyone I've ever known.
Constant lies.
Constant deceit.

Constant disappointment.
From you I've learned that promises are nothing more than lies with pretty ribbons tied tight around them.
From you I've learned to expect the least from the people I think the highest of.
From you I've learned that you can't count on anyone but yourself.
And never again will I give my all to someone the way I gave it all to you.

I'm Amazed By You.

It amazes me how the littlest things can tear people apart.
It amazes me how much you can care about someone, and get absolutely nothing in return.
It amazes me how people can't see the truth when it's spread out right in front of them.
It amazes me.

In Your Daughter's Eyes.

You are an inspiration.
You are a secret holder.

You are a protector.
You are a guardian angel.
You're a superhero.
You're a defender.

You are the strongest person I know.

You are a role model.
You're beautiful.
You are a genious.

You are a teacher.
You're a fighter.
You are accomplished.


You are a mother.


You are everything you think you're not.
Everything, and so much more.


You make my days brighter with every word of encouragement.

You taught me how to be strong and independant.
You helped me through my toughest moments.
You stood by me when the rest of the world walked out.
You taught me that people make mistakes, but it's ok.

You made me realize that things will always get better; that you can never give up.


Your number is the one I dial when everything goes wrong.
Your voice is the only one I listen to when I just want to block the world out.
Your arms are the ones that make me feel hopeful.
Your hands are the ones that have wiped away the countless tears I've cried.
Your presance is the one that makes me feel the safest.
Your strength is the one that I envy.


We fight.
We argue.
We laugh.

We cry.
We listen.
We understand.



You are my mother, my best friend, my worst enemy, my guardian, my angel, my hero.
I love you, Mama.

If You'd Just Realize What I Just Realized.

So, I've decided that falling in love with your best friend is simply inevitable.
Or at least falling madly and deeply into lust that just happens to last for 3+ years.

The sucky part is that you know it, but you don't want to take the chance of telling this certain best friend because you don't want the awkwardness if they don't feel the same.
But then it drives you crazy all the time because you're always trying to make sure that no one figures out your secret;

That no one notices the way he makes you smile, or the way he makes me you laugh when no one else can.
You don't want people to see the comfort you get from his hugs, or the way you look at him with love in your eyes.
No one needs to know how you feel because it could ruin it all.
But what if; what if he did feel the same?

What if he tries to hide his feelings just like you do?

The what if's will swarm your mind like a bee hive, but can you really afford to take that chance?

It gets so frustrating because EVERYONE can see it but him.
No matter how hard you try to hide it, they see right through you.
They're always asking; poking and prodding away at your friendship, just waiting for it to turn into something more.
But if they only knew...
If you only knew...
If he only knew...

Everybody Needs Somebody.

All this time you've been on my mind.
It seems like I haven't crossed yours even once.
Your smile is burned into my memory.
Do you even remember me?

Do you ever think of me?

It feels like everything we had just disappeared.
Sometimes I'm glad about that.

I start to think of all the opportunities I'll have without you.
I remember all of the good times I had before you came around.
I wonder about the future without you in it...
And then my mind comes up blank.

I just can't picture you not being there for me.

And I get scared because I don't want to be alone.
What happens if life doesn't turn out the way I want it to?

What happens if I don't even know what I want?

I don't think I do anymore.
Or is it that I just don't want to accept what I know?

Do I know what I should do; what would be better in the end?

Everytime I get this far, I stop.
I just don't know what to think anymore.

What happens if it's not like they say?
What if you let someone go, but when you realize that they are who you need; who you want with every little part of yourself; they've decided that they don't want you anymore?

What if?

You Live To Die.

My goal in life is to be able to look back and know that everything I did, and every choice I made was what I really wanted.

I want to know that I lived to please myself and not anyone else.

I want to be able to honestly tell myself that every little thing that I went through has made me stronger.

I want to know that I learned from every hardship and struggle.

I want to be able to say that I'm happy with the way I lived my life.

I want to know that I'm comfortable with myself; flaws and all.

I want to know that I did the best I could.

I want to know that I lived my life to the fullest.

I want to know that I smiled as much as I could;

That I laughed as hard as possible;

And that I cried as many tears as I could muster.

I want to be able to say that I had the best friends a person could ask for.

And that even my enemies weren't that bad.

I want to know that I loved and lost.

And after that, I loved again.

I want to know that I proved people wrong;

That I went beyond expectations.

I want to be able to say that I fought for what I thought was right;

That I stood up for the people that couldn't stand up for themselves.

Especially the ones I cared about.

(And that I beat a few people's asses along the way!)

I want to be able to admit that I didn't do it all on my own.

I want to be able to openly give thanks to the people who poked, prodded, pushed, and shoved me to be the best I could be.

I want to know that there were people that completely changed my life; for better or for worse.

And I want to know that I changed someone else's life too.

I want to know that I put a smile on someone's face and made their day.

I want to know that I helped at least one person in some tremendous way.

I want to know that I felt remorse for the people that I hurt.

And that in the end, karma kicked me in the ass for hurting them in the first place.

I want to know that I didn't give up the things that I wanted in life.

I want to have memories that I'll never forget and photos I'll never get rid of.

I want to be able to tell my children, children's children, and even their children that I had amazing adventures.

That I learned my lessons.

And that even though I did "everything the hard way" as my mom liked to put it, it was all worth it.

My life was worth it.

Because it will be.

I'll make sure of it.

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs.

Have you ever noticed that memories can be the best things in the world, or the worst? Some make you smile, reminisce, and wish for the old days. Others make you cry, regret, and want to die. Times that once seemed so wonderful are the times that kill you in the end. The fact that they last forever is horrifying. Why would you want to go through the pain of remembering every single day? The good times, let 'em roll, but why the good times that make you cry? Why do they always pop up first? And at the worst times....

There are times when I just want to pull all the memories out of my head and put them in a box so I shove them back at certain people. I want to just say, "Take them, I don't need them," so I can forget. But the things you want to forget the most are the ones that just won't go away. The people you want to forget are the ones that keep coming back in the end. How the hell are you supposed to know which ones to keep? Which ones are you supposed to let come back? Which ones are you supposed to keep away? Why the hell does life do this to people? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of memories. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of the hurt and the lies. But it keeps coming back. It always comes back in the end.

Counting Stars.

Sometimes, life isn't so wonderful.

I think we've all realized that. It's hard to deal with the things thrown at us. But we try. Trying isn't always good enough though. Sometimes, you just have to deal with what you get and go with it. Learn from the mistakes you made that got you in that situation. Find the people that truley care. Let go of the ones that aren't there when you really need them the most.

It's hard. Probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Letting go of someone that you believed in, trusted, loved... there's no way to do it easily. It will always end in tears and heartache. You'll want to believe your emotions, but you know in your heart that it's time. Keep your head up high and hope, that one day, that someone might come back. Remember, that if they don't, they don't deserve you. Cherish the good memories you have. Let go of the past and stop thinking about what could've been. You're here and there's no going back... only going forward. Make the steps you take count for something. Look for the good when it's hardest to find. Even if it's just the fact that the sun's out... capture it and try to make it worth something.

A really wonderful person once told me, "Everything gets worse before it gets better. And sometimes you can't imagine how bad it can get. But then, one day, when you're least expecting it, something will go right. Then you realize that it's going to get better. You just have to wait for that day to come because it always will."

Times get harder and things change. There's nothing you can do about that. Have hope that it will get better. Know in your heart that someone out there cares enough to try to help you. People will always stab you in the back, but you have to realize that it's not going to happen everytime. Force a smile, and one day, you won't have to anymore. One day, it'll be real. Just don't give up. Ever. Know that you can do whatever it takes to get what you want.

And remember, you were only given this life because you're strong enough to live it.