I'm Broken When I'm Lonesome.

I miss you, but I don't want to.
I love you, but I should hate you.
I think about you, but it kills me.
I cry over you, but not for you.
I wonder what I saw in you, but then I remember.
I pretend I don't care, but I know that I'm lying to myself.

I don't want to care about you anymore, ya know? I want to get over you, over this, over everything we ever had, more than I've ever wanted anything. I'm tired of hurting because of you. I'm tired of being told that it wouldn't hurt if I didn't really love you.

I wish that I didn't know that you never loved me. I wish that I didn't know that all those promises that I held on to so tightly were all really lies. I wish that it didn't have to be this way...

But then again, I do want it to be like this. I want to be glad that all of this is over. I want to smile and know that I'm strong enough to let go. I want to know that I deserve better than what you are; that I deserve more than what you could ever give.

But I miss the feeling of your arms wrapped around me. I miss how the sound of your voice would comfort me during the toughest times. I miss how comfortable I could be when I was around you. I miss how I could let the real me show, and still feel wanted.

I'm scared I'll never find that again. I'm scared that I'll never find someone who will make me feel the way that you did. I'm scared that I'm not good enough; that I don't deserve better. I'm scared that no one else will want me because you've damaged me so much in these past seventeen months. I'm scared that I'll never be able to trust again, and that I'll ruin any chance of having someone who will be willing love me unconditionally because of that.

What if you've ruined me? You stole my pride, my self-confidence, my innocence, my self-worth, my life. You tore me away from what little bit of myself I had found, and expected me to go on the way you wanted. You ripped pieces of my happiness away every chance you got. And I let you. I let you break me.

What if I can't put myself back together again?

I don't want to be broken anymore.
I don't want to be lost anymore.
I don't want to be weak anymore.

But I don't want to be alone, either.