Forgiving Doesn't Mean Forgetting.

for·give·ness
noun
1. act of forgiving; state of being forgiven.
2. disposition or willingness to forgive.

I'm starting to realize that in order to get through the rest of this year, the rest of my life for that matter, I have to let myself forgive.
There are so many people that I don't believe deserve to be forgiven; so many people that I believe have hurt me past the point of forgiveness.

But, nonetheless, I'm not going to get anywhere unless I do this.

And, in the end, I know that if I can do this I can do absolutely anything.
If I can bring myself to let go of the hurt and bring myself to trust that everything really does happen for a reason, I can finally move on and be happy.
There are so many things, people, lies - that it's going to be hard for me to let go of.
And I'm scared that I won't be able to.

But it's just another thing that I have to do.

I have to face my fears and learn to accept the things that have happened and make the best of what I've been given.

I have to forgive him for leaving me when I was so young; when there wasn't anything that I could've possibly done to deserve that kind of abandonment from someone who was supposed to care.

I have to forgive her for leaving me to lead her own life when I had no one else.
I have to forgive him for hurting me. For lying, cheating, and letting me get too deep into something that he would destroy so easily and guiltlessly.
I have to forgive her for being with him when I couldn't be; for unknowingly taking away the one bit of happiness i had left.
I have to forgive myself for letting it go as far as it did, for believing in him; for lying to myself, for hurting everyone, for making a decision based on other people's beliefs, for letting myself down.

I have to let it all go.
Hopefully I can do this.

Because I'll be trying my damnest.

I'm Miserable Up Here Without You.

[written August 2, 2008 @ 5:47 am.]

My darling;


What I wouldn't give to see your bright innocent eyes looking up at me today.
I can only imagine what it would be like to place your tiny new hand in my own.

I wish I would've gotten the chance to hold you. To see you. To have you.

You deserved better.
You deserved everything.

You'll never know the hurt I feel for not being able to give you everything.

I would die to see the glow on your face that would accompany that first smile.

I would kill to have you back; to feel that connection only you and I could've shared.
I'd do anything.

I hope you know that I think of you every day.

I cry for you often.

I dream of you constantly.

I wish you knew how much I truly wanted you to stay.

I wish you would've gotten the chance to see the sunshine dance along the ground.

I wish you could've felt raindrops falling onto your rosy cheeks.

I wish you had gotten the chance to smell a lovely summer rose; one that could never compare to your beauty.

Forgive me for what I've done.
I never meant to hurt you.

I only wanted what was best for the both of us.

I'm sorry for letting you go so easily.
I'll never forgive myself.

I knew you better than you thought, you see.
I've seen those hazel eyes and that thick auburn hair of yours.

I knew you loved to smile; that smile that would've made all of the boys go wild.
You were as perfect as anyone could be.

I hope that you know that I'd take it all back if I could.

If I could just do it all over, you would be here with me right now...but that's something I can't do, no matter how badly I want to.
So, I'm stuck wishing you were here and kicking myself for letting this happen.

I'm so sorry that I let you down.

Love always & forever,

Your mother.