Untitled;

Your eyes shine brightly from across the room,
Innocence radiating like sunlight.
She stands with her poison,
Ignoring the destruction that's just a step behind.

You know nothing of such disasters,
You are protected, but only for now.
Adoration for the one who bore you,
It's blinding.

Lose eyes examine the son,
As tears fall, she drinks again.
Cheeks glisten, footsteps fade, and you are abandoned.
That toxic bottle more important than your love.

Disturbed;

The number of teenage girls that get pregnant when they can't even take care of themselves is disgusting.
Girls that think it will be lovely to have a baby, to be a "mommy", and expect it to be fun, are STUPID.
Pregnancy, children, sons and daughters- these things are not fun. They are hard, huge responsibilities. You're not taking care of a doll, you're giving a person a life. This is a living, breathing person. This person will need food, and diapers, and love, and support. This little living being will need a home, clothes, a place to sleep, an education, and a future; they will need a person to look up to, a person who is responsible, that will make good choices for not only their own lives, but for the lives of their children.
Too many girls these days are not at all concerned with the lives they are going to give their children.

Now, don't get me wrong.... Teenagers get pregnant on accident, and those who are capable, and willing to give up their own lives to own up to that situation deserve praise for their bravery and hard work.
But, those that are brave enough to do what's right for themselves, and in most cases their children, and get an abortion or give their child to a loving and caring adopting family when they know in their hearts that the life that they can give to their child is not enough- those people deserve praise too.

I just think people need to sit down and seriously consider what they're doing to themselves, what they're doing to others, and most importantly what they're going to be putting a child through.

I am so so proud of those teenage mothers that make it through, and raise wonderful, smart, and happy children. My sister, and my best friend being among those who've done so. But, not everyone can do that. Not everyone can give up their lives and dreams and everything they have 100% for another person's well-being. People need to realize this before they decide that they want a baby.

This is not reality;

When I sit and think about love, I realize that it's a very stupid concept.
What is love?
No one knows. Some say they do, but even those who claim to know love, cannot describe it.

I don't want love.
I want happiness.

I want that unbelieve, undeniable, shit-eating grin plastered on your face kind of happiness, and I want that with another person.
I couldn't give a shit less about love, but I would like to, for once, feel happy to be with someone.

I don't want perfection.
I want the little imperfections that make someone desireable, special, and unique.

I would like to meet you, happiness.
For now, I will just have to settle for contentment.

But when I find you, dear happiness, I promise that you and I will make the most of our time together.

It's time to say goodbye;

to the little girl that I once knew.
to the sadness, tears, and frustrations.

It's time to say hello to the future.
Hello, happiness.
Hello, hope and dreams.
Hello, adventures and accomplishments.
Hello, new life.

I swear I'd do it all again.

I'd love for just one more star-lit drive down Skyway Avenue.
Your eyes, how they sparkled; shined just for me.
And my heart, I swear it beat just for you.
Oh, it almost jumped right out of my chest,
Just at the mere thought of letting you
See me at my very best.

We sat with the music shaking our seats,
My worrisome eyes searched yours for relief.
The wind blew our hair, set a glow to our cheeks,
Your hand searched for mine as we rode 'round the streets.

They Call Me;

Bitch. Whore. Beautiful. Slut. Sweet. Cunt. Amazing.
Fun. Fucked up. Wonderful. A Bad influence. Best friend.
Liar. The best listener. Shit talker. Shit stopper.
Good. Bad. Ugly. Fake. Down-to-earth. Awesome.
Hilarious. Stupid. Smart. Worthless. Rebel.
Stuck up. Unique. Lazy. Helpful. Huggable.
Nasty. Shorty. Loved. Hated. Hypocrite.

You make up your mind what you want to believe.
I know who I am, and I don't need you to tell me.

I'll Keep Singing This Lie;

Random Pointless Thoughts That I Would Be Ashamed To Say Out Loud:


If you were a whore, you'd probably feel better about yourself. At least then, you'd know that you could get someone to be with you.
:/


Penises disgust me. But then again, so do vaginas.
:/


I always like ugly people. It makes me wonder what that says about me. Do I only like ugly people because ugly people are the only kind that I can get? Or maybe it's just that I like ugly people because that the only kind that I think that I can get. I really think it's the first one, but I'm going to fool myself into thinking that I can really do better if I want to.
:/


Cleaning makes me want to wash my hands fifty times. They never feel clean after you do a massive clean-up job on your house.
:/


I feel really stupid for typing all of this stuff up. It's like I'm talking to myself or something.
:/


I need new friends. Ya know, strike that. I need friends period. Like, good ones. I think I need to make a form to fill out for everyone that I consider having a good friendship with. It would make things a lot easier in the end.
:/


A boyfriend application would be a good idea too. The only thing wrong with that is I don't think anyone would fill that out.
:/


akjsfkjaflkajsfljsf.

To Be Continued...

Unwanted.

I don't understand how someone can try so God damn hard to make other people happy, and still never get a damn thing in return.
It just doesn't make sense to me. Someone will do everything imaginable to try to make people feel happy when they're upset, or just to put a smile on someone's face because they care about them, and yet, no one can do the same for them.
When they're upset or down, no one knows what to do. No one wants to even try to help make them feel better. No one bothers to do a damn thing.

Ya know, I used to think that the whole, "Sometimes, just a simple smile from a stranger can make a person's day," was just someone talking out of their ass, but it's true. It doesn't even have to be a stranger's smile... Just a simple smile from someone, a true smile, could make my day...

Is it just me, or does no one ever have a smile on their face when I'm around anymore?


I hate feeling unwanted.

Just please tell me why;

Why is it so hard for someone to just admit that they're hurt?
Why does is always come out as anger?
Why is it so much easier to try to hurt others when you're feeling pain too?
Why do we say things that we don't mean?
Why do we love those that can never love us back?
Why is it so easy believe that someone can change?
Why are people blinded so much by their emotions?
Why does thinking of all of this make my head hurt?
Why does thinking of all of this make me think of you?
Why do I still continue to let myself hurt because of you?
Why do I still have those moments where I can't help but miss you?
Why do I still cry?
Why can't I bring myself to say that I hate you?
Why does this still hurt me?
Why do you do the things that you do?
Why can't I believe your?
Why can't you prove that you're sorry?
Why do I hurt so badly, while you sit there in smug happiness?
Why does she get everything that I always wanted?
Why does she get the fairy tale ending when I'm the one who worked so hard; who earned it?
Why is this happening?
Why did we fall apart?
Why didn't you keep your promises?
Why does everything remind me of you?
Why am I still here?
Why is life so unfair?
Why?

Can you please just tell me why?

I'm done with it;

This is the end.
It's the end of everything we had, everything I ever felt for you.
So go on and take your stupid whores, have them all you want.
Press your lips a little harder onto theirs and let all of the diseases swarm into your mouth.
I hope they kill you.

I can honestly say that I don't give a FUCK anymore.
You're stupid, pathetic, and worthless.
You're an ugly, lying, piece of shit.
And no matter how much I denied it in the past, the truth has come to the surface;
You're JUST like your father.

I hope you do jump off of that bridge like you were talking about.
Because ya know what, I won't shed a fucking tear.
You're not WORTH it.
You're not WORTH anything more than the dirt that you'll end up in.

You disgust me.
I can't believe that I ever thought so much of you.
I take back every word that I ever said to make you feel special.
I take back anything I ever did to make you feel loved.

I take it all back.
So please, just do everyone a favor, and go kill yourself like you've been wanting to for so long.
Oh, wait. You're too much of a fucking COWARD!
Grow some balls and just off yourself, will ya?
Take your bitch with you.
Neither of you will be missed.

Note To The Dreamers;

To those of you who say that love doesn't hurt, you're wrong.

Love's not supposed to hurt, but when someone that you love makes it krystal crystal clear that they don't care about you anymore, it HURTS.

Love doesn't just stop... If you love someone, it's going to hurt for a looong time.

You're going to want with all of your heart to stop caring, but if it's love, no matter how badly you want or how hard you try, you won't stop caring.

You can pretend, but it's always going to be there tearing you apart from the inside out.

And once it eats away at your heart enough, you're going to beg God to stop the tears and just stop the pain.

But it doesn't stop.

It never stops.

Make me believe;

Whisper me sweet nothings.
Make me believe
That you're something different;
That you can set me free.
Free from all the pain I've felt;
From all the things I've seen.
Set me free from what's inside.
Set me free from what is me.

Take me to places
That are only in my dreams.
Take me away from here,
From this reality.
Show me all the places
Where I should really be.
Convince me that where I am
Is not good enough for me.

Tell me that I'm worth it;
That I'm worth this life I live.
Tell me you're here for me
Because no one ever did.
No one ever proved themselves
The way I want you to.
I needed more than what they gave
So now it's up to you.

Make me want to stay.
Give me a reason.
Tell me something's worth it;
That there's something to believe in.
Be here for me
Just prove your not the same
Because I don't think that I can take
Another heartbreak game.

Just As Great As You;

I wish I could be beautiful.
I wish I could be wonderful.
I wish I could be just as great as you.

I wish I could make him smile.
I wish I could make him laugh.
I wish I could be just as great as you.

I wish I could be intelligent.
I wish I could be witty.
I wish I could be just as great as you.

I wish I could be adventurous.
I wish I could be fun.
I wish I could be just as great as you.

I wish I could be wanted.
I wish I could be loved.
I wish I could be just as great as you.

I wish that he would want me.
I wish that he would care.
I wish that he would miss me.
I wish that he was here.

I wish that he would realize
That I tried so hard
To be just as great as you.

I'm Broken When I'm Lonesome.

I miss you, but I don't want to.
I love you, but I should hate you.
I think about you, but it kills me.
I cry over you, but not for you.
I wonder what I saw in you, but then I remember.
I pretend I don't care, but I know that I'm lying to myself.

I don't want to care about you anymore, ya know? I want to get over you, over this, over everything we ever had, more than I've ever wanted anything. I'm tired of hurting because of you. I'm tired of being told that it wouldn't hurt if I didn't really love you.

I wish that I didn't know that you never loved me. I wish that I didn't know that all those promises that I held on to so tightly were all really lies. I wish that it didn't have to be this way...

But then again, I do want it to be like this. I want to be glad that all of this is over. I want to smile and know that I'm strong enough to let go. I want to know that I deserve better than what you are; that I deserve more than what you could ever give.

But I miss the feeling of your arms wrapped around me. I miss how the sound of your voice would comfort me during the toughest times. I miss how comfortable I could be when I was around you. I miss how I could let the real me show, and still feel wanted.

I'm scared I'll never find that again. I'm scared that I'll never find someone who will make me feel the way that you did. I'm scared that I'm not good enough; that I don't deserve better. I'm scared that no one else will want me because you've damaged me so much in these past seventeen months. I'm scared that I'll never be able to trust again, and that I'll ruin any chance of having someone who will be willing love me unconditionally because of that.

What if you've ruined me? You stole my pride, my self-confidence, my innocence, my self-worth, my life. You tore me away from what little bit of myself I had found, and expected me to go on the way you wanted. You ripped pieces of my happiness away every chance you got. And I let you. I let you break me.

What if I can't put myself back together again?

I don't want to be broken anymore.
I don't want to be lost anymore.
I don't want to be weak anymore.

But I don't want to be alone, either.

Perfection is just a misconception.

For some odd reason, I've been really thinking about what I need in a relationship. I mean, the kind of person that I would have to be with to be happy.
It sounds really bad to me when I say something like that, but it's the truth.
I mean, don't we all need certain things in a person? From the most detailed things like blue eyes or a nice smile to something as vague as 'they have to make me laugh.'
Well, here's a letter to that perfect someone that I've yet to meet...



My darling,

I'm so glad that I've come to meet you. Your smile brightens my day more than the sunshine ever could. The way you make me laugh through the waterfall of tears that run down my cheeks oh-so-often mesmerizes me. I love the way that I feel when I'm in your arms; safe and warm, knowing that the world could never come between us. No, you would never let that happen. You care for me too much to ever let anything come between us.
You know, you're the one that made me realize that someone really cares for me; that not everyone I care for ends up leaving me. Never before has anyone been able to prove that to me, but I trust you. I trust you with my whole heart because I know that you understand what pain is, just as I do, and that you would never hurt me like the others have. I don't know how you do it sometimes; putting up with my every split-second mood swing, the tears that fall for absolutely no reason, and the way you manage to understand that when I yell it's because I'm hurt. I don't know how you understand me so well, but I thank God every day that you do.
I know we have our fights sometimes, and it means so much to me that you take the time to listen to me when I'm upset. It means even more to me that you don't just walk out because you can't take it. I know that I can be a bitch, and I'm sorry, but sometimes things just get so hard... you understand, don't you? Of course you do, you always do.
Your eyes take me to places that I've never been, ya know? When I look into them, twinkling like stars in the midnight sky, I fall away to a place straight from a fairy tale. And all the while, I know that you see right through every wall that I try to put up. You break them down just to get to me; to save me from myself.
I hope you know that the little things you do, holding my hand as we walk in the darkness, opening the car doors, picnics in the park with the autumn leaves surrounding us, they're worth more to me than any amount of money could ever be. (They're even worth more than diamonds!) [:D]
You care for me, I can see it in your every move. You don't need to prove that to me. You don't need to prove anything to me. I know that you're amazing. I know that you can be tough when you need to, you don't have to threaten and fight every guy that looks my way. I'm yours, only yours, so don't be jelous, okay?
Endless conversations about absolutely nothing make me feel more comfortable in your presance than I feel in anyone elses. I know that you won't laugh at my silly ideas or stupid questions. We can argue about pointless things that neither of us really know the answer to and still end up laughing about it all in the end. You always find a way to make everything make sense to me; even algebra! I love it.
You have no idea how much you mean to me, my love. I can't wait until I find you.

Until then, I'll be waiting for you here,

Jessica Autumn Caputo

Forgiving Doesn't Mean Forgetting.

for·give·ness
noun
1. act of forgiving; state of being forgiven.
2. disposition or willingness to forgive.

I'm starting to realize that in order to get through the rest of this year, the rest of my life for that matter, I have to let myself forgive.
There are so many people that I don't believe deserve to be forgiven; so many people that I believe have hurt me past the point of forgiveness.

But, nonetheless, I'm not going to get anywhere unless I do this.

And, in the end, I know that if I can do this I can do absolutely anything.
If I can bring myself to let go of the hurt and bring myself to trust that everything really does happen for a reason, I can finally move on and be happy.
There are so many things, people, lies - that it's going to be hard for me to let go of.
And I'm scared that I won't be able to.

But it's just another thing that I have to do.

I have to face my fears and learn to accept the things that have happened and make the best of what I've been given.

I have to forgive him for leaving me when I was so young; when there wasn't anything that I could've possibly done to deserve that kind of abandonment from someone who was supposed to care.

I have to forgive her for leaving me to lead her own life when I had no one else.
I have to forgive him for hurting me. For lying, cheating, and letting me get too deep into something that he would destroy so easily and guiltlessly.
I have to forgive her for being with him when I couldn't be; for unknowingly taking away the one bit of happiness i had left.
I have to forgive myself for letting it go as far as it did, for believing in him; for lying to myself, for hurting everyone, for making a decision based on other people's beliefs, for letting myself down.

I have to let it all go.
Hopefully I can do this.

Because I'll be trying my damnest.

I'm Miserable Up Here Without You.

[written August 2, 2008 @ 5:47 am.]

My darling;


What I wouldn't give to see your bright innocent eyes looking up at me today.
I can only imagine what it would be like to place your tiny new hand in my own.

I wish I would've gotten the chance to hold you. To see you. To have you.

You deserved better.
You deserved everything.

You'll never know the hurt I feel for not being able to give you everything.

I would die to see the glow on your face that would accompany that first smile.

I would kill to have you back; to feel that connection only you and I could've shared.
I'd do anything.

I hope you know that I think of you every day.

I cry for you often.

I dream of you constantly.

I wish you knew how much I truly wanted you to stay.

I wish you would've gotten the chance to see the sunshine dance along the ground.

I wish you could've felt raindrops falling onto your rosy cheeks.

I wish you had gotten the chance to smell a lovely summer rose; one that could never compare to your beauty.

Forgive me for what I've done.
I never meant to hurt you.

I only wanted what was best for the both of us.

I'm sorry for letting you go so easily.
I'll never forgive myself.

I knew you better than you thought, you see.
I've seen those hazel eyes and that thick auburn hair of yours.

I knew you loved to smile; that smile that would've made all of the boys go wild.
You were as perfect as anyone could be.

I hope that you know that I'd take it all back if I could.

If I could just do it all over, you would be here with me right now...but that's something I can't do, no matter how badly I want to.
So, I'm stuck wishing you were here and kicking myself for letting this happen.

I'm so sorry that I let you down.

Love always & forever,

Your mother.

Goodbye To You.

You will never know what I went through.
You will never understand it.
You WILL NEVER hurt as much as I hurt.

You didn't have to do what I did.
You didn't have to make that final choice.
You didn't have to sit and say that you wanted that to happen.

After everything.
After all we had.
This is what we have become.
Everything we said we'd never be.
I guess I should've expected as much.

Forget The Things We Swore We Meant.

After everything we've been through, you still manage to ignore the hurt in my voice when you let me down.
It's as if you could give a shit less about what you're doing to me.
And to think, I've always been there for you.
You were an angel to me; I held you so high.
Perfect, I would say.
But, all you ever did was prove me wrong.
Of course, I ignored it.
I did my best to defend; to believe in you.
In the end, you just let me down.
You hurt me more than anyone I've ever known.
Constant lies.
Constant deceit.

Constant disappointment.
From you I've learned that promises are nothing more than lies with pretty ribbons tied tight around them.
From you I've learned to expect the least from the people I think the highest of.
From you I've learned that you can't count on anyone but yourself.
And never again will I give my all to someone the way I gave it all to you.

I'm Amazed By You.

It amazes me how the littlest things can tear people apart.
It amazes me how much you can care about someone, and get absolutely nothing in return.
It amazes me how people can't see the truth when it's spread out right in front of them.
It amazes me.